Temper

 Anyone who knows me well should know that sometimes I do have a bit of a temper, and when it flares up, I sometimes don't do a very good job of controlling it.  I have been known to do a fair amount of door slamming, dishes slamming, (never actually throwing?) and not just raising of the voice, but actually yelling at those I love and care about.    Are these loving actions?  Charitable actions?  Christ-like actions.  No.  and I am not proud of this part of me, and have struggled with my temper and my actions related to my temper for most of my life.  My dear husband and dear children know.  I'm sure my parents and siblings are aware.  Some of my co-workers have witnessed this frailty.  Even some of my closest friends and ward members, especially the young women I worked with back in 2008-2010 are painfully aware of my faults.  

At the end of June in 2008 I was asked to serve in my local church congregation as the Young Women's President, who is in charge of planning weekly activities and Sunday lessons for the young women in the congregation aged 12 to 18.  I felt very inadequate to hold this position, and had I had many doubts as to my ability to perform all of the responsibilities.  However, I've always felt it is important to accept callings in my church, and knew and admired the other women who would be working with me, so I accepted the call.

Plans for the yearly Young Women's Camp were already well underway, and I was assured there was not much that I needed to do as the Camp Directors for our local group had everything well planned and prepared for.  Our group was one of eight different congregations that would be attending the camp, and everything had already been planned.  I didn't even need to drive my own car to camp, and we had our final camp clinics, the food shopping was done, and everything was set.  About all that I needed to do was to pack my own things and help my own two youngest daughters to pack and prepare for the trip.  

I greatly admire both of the Camp Directors and had worked with both of them in other types of school and church activities, so I looked forward to working with both of them.  The other leaders from our church congregation that were going to camp were also good friends that I greatly admired.

We made it up to camp, and found that our requested camp site had been commandeered or assigned to another ward, which started things off with a bit of a negative attitude for all the girls.  It was one of the sites without a cabin, and on a slope, so it wasn't a very good situation for rainy weather.  We got our tents set up.  I think we had the girls divided up into tents by age group, with we leaders in a separate tent.  This was a pretty rambunctious group of girls, the older group especially.   Some of them had brought face cards, which had been expressly forbidden in the packing rules, there was a bit of defiance with some of the girls to some of the main leaders of the camp, a few pranks played groups of girls outside of our local congregation  (shaving cream desserts?  )  and some teasing of the younger girls, etc.  Nothing terrible, happened. One or more of the girls weren't particularly happy to be at camp that week but for the most part I think most of the girls were trying to be good sports.

The most worrisome thing that happened was that once we were at camp, one of the leaders confided in me that she and her husband were getting a divorce.  She was basically an emotional wreck and had been running on pure adrenalin for who knows how long.  Once we got to camp and had everything set up, she pretty much shut down, and slept for one or two days straight.  This which was worrisome for all of the girls, especially for her own daughter who was also a part of the group.  Though none of the girls really knew what was happening, I'm sure the tension was in the air, and the girls were worried about their Camp Director being sick.  

I was trying to be a leader, which really doesn't come naturally to me, especially around teenaged girls.   I never felt like I was a "normal" teenager, and didn't feel that I related too well with the girls. I never felt terribly comfortable as a Young Woman leader, even though this was probably my fourth time working with the Young Women's program, and my first time working with my own daughters in the program.  In short, I really depended a lot on my counselors and the camp directors for their experience and rapport with the girls.  

It was near the end of camp, when we were all pretty well tired out and stressed from all that had happened.  One of the other leaders had asked the girls to do something, probably to finish their chores and gather for our evening campfire devotional or something, and the girls weren't listening and minding.   And I lost it.  I yelled at the girls, something I don't think any of them had ever expected to come from me.  I told them something along the lines that if this was the way they treated their mothers, then I was sorry for them and their mothers.  I think and hope that I apologized for my outburst, but I'm not 100% sure how well I handled it.   In spite of my apology and many heart felt prayers for guidance, and many more struggles over then next year and a half of serving as Young Women's president, I still regret my outburst of temper, and still feel so much remorse for failing to be the leader I had hoped to be.   Though all of the girls are now grown adults, and successfully carrying on wither their lives, many as loving young mothers, I still regret that I wasn't a better example and leader for these wonderful young ladies, and for the other leaders who were so faithfully carrying out their own callings and loving and carrying for these precious daughters of God.

I still don't always do a very good job of controlling my temper.  My family can attest to that.  My dear husband and my dear children have all witnessed or been the object of my anger at times.  I also lost my temper at my boss one day several years ago in a training meeting that included co-workers, my boss's boss, and several members of our CRM software company vendors.   I like to think that I'm doing better with this vice, sin, imperfection or what have you, and I really do mean to keep trying to react to situations and actions or remarks from others without anger and temper.    This is one of my ongoing quests.